Still here

And no, I never do get sick of taking photos of flowers.  Ever.

I was standing at the bottom of my staircase a few weeks ago, almost certainly ruminating anxiously over one thing or another.  Do you know the George Eliot quote that goes something like it's never too late to be what you might have been? The thought occured to me in that moment that this just isn't true, at least not in the way I had been interpreting it.  The person I might have been had I been shown greater compassion, instilled with a better sense of self, learned more about the kind of discipline it takes to master a domain, who knows what she would have looked like?  Not like me, for sure.  We are different women.

Lord, was I relieved.  In that moment I came to understand that I had been carrying around a subconscious mantra that I had to somehow reclaim that person I could have been, lived up to the path I might have taken had all things been well in my world.  And the burden of carrying my failure to do so was getting heavier, year after year, until I started collapsing beneath it.  It was as if I had spent most of my adult life running furiously to catch up with no-one but myself.

In place of that burden comes a great freedom. The freedom to start over, not from the beginning, but from where I find myself now.  Too late to be what I might have been, yes.  But never too late to be what I am.

Comments

[maya]

certainly. there's no way to compete with the you of 5, 10, 20 years ago. she didn't know what you know now & i'm sure she did the best she could with what she had.

[LeeAnn]

These are words of advise to listen to now and tuck away for later. Love the photo. I want a print to place by my bed side table. Or to be the cover of my new journal.

[Autum]

Wow! This post just takes my breath away. So raw and honest and beautiful!

[stacey]

Welcome back my friend!

[Kristina]

Amen to that. Nice to hear from you again, I missed your words. K

[sarah patience]

And you come back bringing such stunningly beautiful wisdom ...

Wow.

This was just exactly what I needed to read this afternoon. Thank you so much for sharing it.

And please do keep taking photographs of flowers!

[Tara Thayer]

yay, megan. we're all just figuring it out. let's give ourselves a break, and maybe each other in the process. and don't stop with the flowers, for goodness sake.
you come back here at your own pace. i'll be here.

[Pam]

Well, once again you touch just the right spot for that nerve to shudder.
My Mum brought over a stack of school reports the other day (a clearout going on) and reading them I felt all over again the disappointments and frustrations of that time.
Of course I also felt the disappointment of my parents and teachers of 'not fulfilling her potential'.
Your post is very timely; those reports are going in the fire.

'The past is a different place; we do things differently here.'
P x

[marigold jam]

Lovely post - beautiful photo as always and so true the text. I know what you mean - I too have been trying to be the person I thought I should be for over 60 years and am only now beginning to accept the person I am!

Thanks for sharing this little piece of wisdom!

Jane

[mary]

Acceptance of self is such an important lesson - one I am slowly coming to grips with myself...

[Sue]

Megan are you an angel or something? Because, over and over again, you speak directly to something that's going on in me too and it is like a little salvation. I love the way you distil truth and beauty on these pages... I honestly think if I could have only one blog to read it would be yours.

Now don't go getting all embarrassed ;-)

[lucy]

oh, i just adore you completely. your words and thoughts are seriously true and well spoken. your camera just captures everything beautifully.

no, i never tire of seeing flower pictures or taking them. that's just the way it is.

[Katie]

Welcome back - we've missed you. And thanks for the honest, wise thoughts. xo

[Kristy]

I'm pretty certain I would prefer the woman you are than the one you thought you should have been. Your honesty always inspires me.

[heleen]

Such wise words, thanks for sharing Megan. Your life has obviously been a good one for teaching you wisdom and maturity; a much better one than the ghost of what could have been.

[Tanya]

I naturally have a lot to say about this... ;-)...but very little time. Lucky you. ha ha! However, even with a house full of in-laws, I can't go on without writing that I am so very glad you are EXACTLY who you ARE. I don't think I would like the "might have been Megan" nearly as much. "Might have been" just sounds too perfect, too lofty, too boring....I love your analogy of a heavy sack - or baggage - when it comes to "might have been" and am thrilled that you have left that sack on the side of the road. :-) Brava, Megan.

[Heather]

Love this post. Needed to hear it. Sometimes I get a crick in my neck looking back and trying to catch it.

And I'm glad you never tire of photographing flowers. Yours are some of the most beautiful I have seen.

[BlueCastle]

So nice to see you back and with such a deep, thought provoking post. It was like a little gift because it also happens to be exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.

[carol]

ahhhhhh... you always inspire me. wonderful words ....lovely, tiny flowers... thank you for taking the time to notice and share them! so happy to hear from you.
carol

[theresa/ t does wool]

hello you...glad you are back...perfect imagery and soul bearing words.

[Anne Marie]

Amen. And I never get tired of watching your flower photos. This one is partucularily beautiful. Love the angle.

[victoria]

Sigh. Agreed. You know, you are particularly profound and right about this.

[mariannealice]

Did you know that your posts are the sort of posts I would be proud to write if I were a profound, thoughtful kind of blogger...but nah! I'm most definitely the airy fairy flippant and shallow kind of post-writer...I will leave the beautiful thought provoking stuff to you who continues to do it so well....and don't stop with those beautiful flowers. Images and words to sigh over...what more can I ask?

[mary jane]

oh how I've missed you! thanks for this post dear one.

[Pom Pom]

I like being instead of doing. It feels right.