...worrying, it seems, is the shadow side of wishing. For it begins not with the vision of something desired but of something feared, something to be repelled. And whereas desire is a powerful form of fuel for actually making something happen, fear is less so. Rather than energizing us, motivating us to take action, it tends to deplete us, to make us feel helpless, overwhelmed, lying there flat on our backs in the darkness. ~ Noelle Oxenhandler, The Wishing Year.
"Less fear" didn't seem like strong enough talisman to see me through an entire year, though it is at the heart of what I am wishing for. Courage wasn't the right word either, or bravery, or any of those synonyms. It wasn't until I spent a couple of relaxing days re-reading The Wishing Year that I found the word I was looking for:
Desire. A longing, a craving. An expressed wish; a request. Not just a wish, but an expressed wish, an outward request, an admittance to the world at large that, yes, this is a thing I long for and please can you help me find it? I am so afraid of doing this that even sitting here writing these words I am embarrassed, physically uncomfortable, and trying to talk myself out of writing about any of it at all. It's not the desiring I have a problem with. I am, I realise, deeply ashamed to ask.
If you don't ask, you don't get. I don't think there is an entire universe out there waiting with baited breath to fulfill my every desire. I don't think that getting my every desire is even a good thing. I certainly don't think that by wishing I can keep tragedy at bay, as if it were some magical protective forcefield. I also do not think that wishing replaces one micro-ounce of the hard work and persistence it takes to make a dream come true. What I do think is that admitting to the things our hearts desire is an important way of being true to ourselves and the people around us. It opens us up to possibility. It focuses our intent.
And who knows? Maybe there is also a small scattering of fairy dust thrown in there somewhere.
