It wasn't the Tuis that stopped me sleeping last night but the wind. Dear lord, the wind. There was an ominous creaking somewhere outside my bedroom window but I was too tired to investigate and just hoped whatever it was wouldn't come smashing through my window at some point, which worked just fine. No smashing. Roads were closed all over the place this morning though. I didn't think I was tired when I finally got up but found myself standing by the fridge eating pickles for breakfast? Lunch was ice cream, tomatoes, and a muesli bar. There is something wrong with me.
Walking to the letter box I spotted some more things on our house that could use some work. If I sound like a broken record it's because I am one. It puts me in such an apathetic mood, because I start to feel a little hopeless. Hopeless is bad. Hopeless reminds me of all the other things in my life I feel out of control, stuck, dumb, stupid, awful about. Talking myself out of it didn't help, it just felt like trying not to think of a white bear when somebody asks you to not think of a white bear. I worked on Joel's bunny rabbit for a little bit, which cheered me up (and made me decide I would make a hundred in every colour and give them to everybody, always) but also reminded me I really should be cleaning the damn blasted kitchen. You know what worked? Half an hour stamping white paint on brown paper and cutting up magazines and cereal boxes.
Clearly, I am four years old.