A free thing.

We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure, but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world. To make injustice the only measure of our attention is to praise the Devil. ― Jack Gilbert, Refusing Heaven

I made myself some desktop wallpaper. Courage is at the heart of living well, because we risk so much of ourselves when we show the world what it is we truly love and value. As a species we seek safety in numbers and it is so hard, so painful, to be rejected after we have revealed to others something that is important to us, that even the possibility of such a thing can keep us small and silent.

My life right now is in a state of grace. Everyone is feeling well, doing well, happy. The hard yards I have put in academically and creatively are beginning to pay off. The ghosts of the past are quiet, my hope in the future bright. I am not foolish enough to expect that this small slice of time and place is one I  either 'deserve', or will last indefinitely. Life is a game of chance, and people do foolish things. Difficult things will happen. Unexpected, hard things. But I have learned to be content with life in the midst of pain and chaos, it's the ease and plenty that knock me off my stride. They are uncharted territory, and I am one of the billions of human beings who can be afraid of what we don't know, clinging without reason to the devils that we do know.

I am anxious about what comes next. There is so much I want to accomplish on a professional level: a doctorate, an academic career; a book on hope, and finding wisdom in the small solitudes; a novel about loss and love (and are not all novels, in some way, about loss and love?); finding a way to get those dumb-ass cartoon sold as cards in book stores; painting a picture book for grown-ups. I can do all these things, to a greater or lesser extent, with a lot of luck and help and a decent tail wind.  And I worry that I will cut myself off at the knees to protect my fragile sense of my own abilities rather than doing my utmost and falling short. I can feel myself wobbling and unsure, and worried, always worried, about being laughed out of the room rather than welcomed into it.

So, courage, dear heart. It's not that those goals need to be accomplished - who knows what the fates have in store? It's that I need to believe they can.

If you click on the picture above, it will take it you to its full resolution, and you can then right-click and download it on to your own computer to use as wallpaper if you would like. Or not. Either way, whatever way, anyway - may you have the stubbornness to accept your gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world.

Comments

[Christine]

I have no doubt that if you decide any of those things will happen, they will! And it will be great to read about each and every success...good luck!

[Linda]

I often think that if you want to do something you have just got to get on with it, believe deeply that it is going to work and stay very strong and focused! I have a problem managing all that at once though. :)

[Fleur]

This is lovely and you a dream.

[Nicola]

Hello xxxxxx
I just wanted to say that your writing is so specilal at the moment...it makes me think, laugh and nod in understanding... You have a real gift with putting thoughts down onto paper...
Thank you xxx
Nicola xx
In the colder part of the world!

[Martina]

you are gifted indeed and a gift to us xx

[Megan Young]

Bless you Ms Fleur. A dream is better than a nightmare xx

Sent from my iPhone

[Megan Young]

Thats such a kind thing to day, made my day, thank you xx

[Megan Young]

Woops, sent the last email before Id written anything! Thank you so much for this Nicola, it means so much to me for you to say that.

[Annie @ knitsofacto]

" ... it is so hard, so painful, to be rejected after we have revealed to others something that is important to us, that even the possibility of such a thing can keep us small and silent." This. And it's why we should all keep shouting if we have something to say.

[Katie]

I do fear I get a bit repetitive with my comments on your blog Megan, beautiful again, and so familiar that choice between trying with your full self, or holding back for fear of failure, so that you can at least comfort yourself in the notion that you didn't really try your hardest anyway. Good luck and best wishes with any and all of those ambitions!

[Amelia]

"the ghosts of the past are quiet" - that is very beautiful.
I have no doubt that you will achieve all these things or at least the things you decide that you want to pursue. I am a little in awe of you, Miss Megan.
x